I did not want a pet, but he finally wore me down.
Dear Prudence,
About six months ago, I moved in with my fiancé. Then he started talking a lot about getting a dog. I did not want a dog. They bark all hours of the day and whine to get taken out in the morning. You have to plan so much of your schedule around them, and I just didn’t want that as a newly cohabitating couple. I also have major sleep issues that can exacerbate existing health problems. My fiancé finally wore me down with the promise that he would take care of everything and the dog wouldn’t bother me. Advertisement
The dog is bothering me. I don’t have to do much of the work, but the dog keeps waking me up. I’ve asked my fiancé multiple times about a bark collar; my fiancé is worried about it hurting the dog. The dog whines at our bedroom door to wake me up well before my alarm. I’ve talked to my fiancé about putting him in a crate on the other side of the house, and again, he’s worried about the dog. This is starting to affect my health and my fiancé thinks it’s just an adjustment period. Everything just seems to be falling on deaf ears. I’m now not only worried about whether I can live with a dog but whether I want to stay with my fiancé. I didn’t realize how much he loved dogs until we got one. I like dogs but don’t want them as pets. I’m worried my fiancé might be one of those people who needs a pet to be happy. I love absolutely everything about him but this one thing. I’m starting to wonder if this is a deal-breaker. Am I overreacting? What should I do? Advertisement Advertisement Advertisement Advertisement Advertisement
“I agreed to get a dog only on the condition that you would take care of everything; you also promised that the dog ‘wouldn’t bother me.’ Looking back, I think we were both naïve to believe that was possible, but there’s not much we can do about that now. The dog is bothering me, it’s happening a lot, and it’s not getting any better. I know you love the dog and I want the dog to be happy—I’m not saying any of this to be cruel or to spoil your fun. But I think you were already pretty familiar with the fact that I have trouble getting enough sleep and that not sleeping enough has a serious, negative effect on my health issues. I’ve suggested getting a crate or a bark collar, and those seem like nonstarters for you. We need to talk about this now because I’m starting to wonder if this is going to be a deal-breaker for us. Having now lived with a dog, I can say definitively that they do bother me, and if this is an adjustment period, I haven’t seen any successful adjustments that would make this living situation possible for me. Can you see yourself living without a dog? I know we love each other, but I’d rather have a difficult conversation now than drive each other crazy every night for the rest of our lives.” Advertisement Advertisement
You’re not overreacting, by the way; wanting to get enough sleep at night so that your health doesn’t suffer is a perfectly reasonable desire. And while I have sympathy for dog lovers, I think it’s irresponsible and slightly selfish to bring a dog into a living environment you know isn’t likely to work out on the strength of wishful thinking and a promise that “you won’t even notice this incredibly needy creature living just underfoot.” I’m sure your fiancé is a wonderful guy, and I don’t mean to suggest he’s a wastrel, but owning a dog means more than just gushing sentimentalism—you have to be responsible, practical, and respectful toward the other people living with you. If he thinks he needs to always own dogs in order to be happy, then it’s by no means an overreaction to say you don’t think you two are going to be able to live together anytime soon. Advertisement Advertisement Advertisement Advertisement
Dear Prudence,
My husband and I have two children under 4 years old. We live in a city where child care is difficult to find and expensive. Most of my salary goes toward day care. My in-laws live an hour away. They are both retired and refuse to help out—their grandchildren rank about fifth on their priorities behind their dogs, “volunteer” work, and weekly card games. Just having them pick up our son from preschool every day would be a lifesaver. Traffic is horrible and the school has a $20 fine for every 15 minutes you are late. I have begged my husband to get his parents on board, but the conversation was fruitless. He asked his father and got told while they would be available in an emergency, we need to “figure out” our own lives. We choose to live in the city instead of down the street and they aren’t going to drive every day. I find their selfishness appalling, and I find it hard now to make small talk about trivialities like their garden or their church charity. Is there anything I can do here? I have lost all drive to make sure my children interact with their grandparents. Why bother if they won’t? My husband says the situation will get better when the kids get older. I am just so tired. Advertisement Advertisement Advertisement
I’m truly sorry that you’re tired and that child care is both expensive and difficult to secure in your city. Those are real, material problems, and I wish you and your husband the best in figuring out what changes you need to make in order to make your lives more bearable. I hope you find resources that are genuinely useful. But your in-laws have every right to conduct their own lives as they see fit and not to offer you free child care simply because it would be convenient to you. You seem to think of them as cars left to idle in a parking lot, as untapped resources, rather than people with autonomy and free will who have already raised children and lived long lives, who want to enjoy their retirement instead of picking your preschooler up every single day. They are not being selfish in placing their grandchildren “fifth” on the list, and I hope they enjoy their dogs, volunteer work, card games, and free time immensely. Please do not misdirect your anger and frustration at your in-laws to such an extent that you’re unable to exchange pleasantries with them. They’re not doing this to hurt you; they have their own lives because they have their own lives. You’ve got to find a way to let this go, because otherwise you will take every minute your in-laws choose to keep for themselves as a personal attack and will begin to treat them as the architects of all your problems. Advertisement Advertisement
That said, if the responsibility of “making sure” the kids get ferried over to their grandparents’ house (and fed/clothed/minded before, during, and after) is falling entirely on you and your husband’s not helping out, please do feel free to let him take the lead on taking the kids to see his parents.
Make Sure Your Pet Does Not Feel Threatened or Confused
Is your dog constantly growling, barking, and unusually bad tempered whenever your partner is around? A change in your pup’s routine may be causing this unpleasant behavior. For example, you no longer go out for evening walks or allow Fido inside your room when your partner is around. This is confusing for your pooch and if they weren’t eased into these changes, it can lead to anxiety, depression, and stress. Dogs also show aggression when they feel threatened, scared, or anxious.
Dogs are creatures of habit and changing their routine suddenly is unsettling for them. Changes like coming home at different times, introducing a new partner or being away from home more often than usual have a big impact on them. As much as possible, keep the same routine even if you have a new partner. Ease your dog into the new situation like bringing your partner along with you when you go out for evening walks with your dog.
As for sharing a bed with Fido, it’s best if he has a private area that he can call his own. Your “dog’s zone” need not be huge. Just make sure that his little corner is comfortable and filled with everything he loves. When your dog feels more secure and happy with your partner around, he’ll ease up and start being nice.
You Have Less Free Time
Remember all those glorious weekend mornings you spent sleeping in past ten and cuddling? You can say “bye bye” to all that if you and your S.O. decide to get a pup. Dogs have to be walked every morning no matter what, so get ready to wake up early erry day. Like the postman, “neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night” will stop you from walking your pup. Puppies and kittens demand a lot of attention and supervision early on, so if you have a super active social life or a really intense work schedule, sacrifices will have to be made. Get ready to give up a few nights out in exchange for some quality time with your boo and your new addition.
Walking a dog can be a big pain in the tooshie, but this little activity can improve your health in spades! Studies show that new dog owners will increase their recreational walking significantly over the first ten-month period. We already know exercise is good for stress reduction, heart health, and mood, but it can also help you and your partner bond. Going on a hike or jog with your pup and your S.O. is active and fun. Doing healthy activities together helps the relationship, and will improve your quality of life overall. Playing with your kitty or puppy is good for the heart and soul.
Dogs Are Ruining Our Relationships
Once upon a time you were wooed, catered to and swept off your feet by someone who turned into your spouse. The same spouse who was devoted and listened to your every care, until recently you realized things aren’t quite the same. In fact, there’s something that has come between the two of you and that something has four legs and a wagging tail. Could your dog be ruining your marriage?
It sounds terrible to say, but man’s best friend could become a marriage’s worst nightmare if the two of you aren’t on the same page when it comes to Fido. If you’re not at a splitting point but feel an awkwardness looming between you and your spouse and know that your dog is a sore subject, take a look at why that may be.
There’s snuggle time while watching TV, long walks and cuddling at night that should keep you two close together, except if you’re doing it all with a dog in-between the two of you. If you find you are spending more quality time with Fido than your spouse – this could be a big problem, especially if intimacy has dwindled between you and your spouse, or you find that you’re never truly alone during intimate moments you may want to re-evaluate your priorities on who you really want to spend time with.
Maybe it’s your dog that is behaving badly that is causing the rift. Tearing up furniture and causing a ruckus inside can wear on your nerves, or if your dog is a digger; digging up the once beautiful landscape or even escaping for an afternoon rendezvous throughout the neighborhood. If the spouse who isn’t completely sold on the dog is always cleaning up the mess made, you can be sure there will be some pent-up frustration.
If the major issue is merely a training issue, get your pup the help he needs before you’re stuck by yourself. There are plenty of dog obedience schools available to teach Fido the manners he needs to live peacefully inside and out. If money’s tight, check out a dog training app or check out a book from your local library. If your dog is a constant runaway, you may want to look into safety measures that will actually keep him in your yard; an invisible fence is a great option.
However, if the issue lies with how much time you spend with Fido over your spouse, start refocusing your attention with a healthy balance between Fido and your spouse. For starters, give Fido somewhere to sleep other than the bed you share with your spouse. If you find yourself still yearning to spend more quality time with your dog instead of your spouse, you may have underlying issues with your spouse that aren’t related to the dog at all. You may want to enlist the help of a certified relationship counselor to figure out what those issues may be and if the relationship is worth saving.
Is your dog coming between you and your spouse? How are you going to handle it? Share in the comments below.