How do dogs decide who to break up with? Here’s What to Do Next

Staying together for the kids is nothing new, but what about staying together for the dog?

Breaking up with someone you once loved is not easy, and it becomes all the harder when there’s a pet you love caught in the mix.

Staying together for the kids is nothing new, but what about staying together for the dog?

A year ago, Adam Klassen, 28, and his boyfriend of five years, Michael Tersigni, 30, decided to get a standard golden poodle, Hudson. They were having some trouble in their relationship and hoped a dog would help bring them together – and it did for a while – but then things went back to the way they were. When Klassen finally decided to bite the bullet and break up with Tersigni four months ago, he was taken aback by his partner’s response.

Klassen said Tersigni said that if they were to break up, he’d have to move back in with his parents — who have a big house and yard — so obviously he’ll take the dog since that would be a better fit. He then went on to tell Klassen, “If push comes to shove, nobody is going to take your side anyway because no one wants a full size poodle in a condo downtown, when it can have full time care in a house with a yard, so don’t try to fight this.”

When Klassen brought up how often he has taken time off work to take Hudson – who suffers from an autoimmune disease – to the vet, all the extra time he spends with the dog and how he handles most of the dog’s responsibilities, his partner pointed out a cold truth. He said, “You take him to the vet, I get that, but my name is the one on the vet documents, so I have legal standing as well,” Klassen recalls.

He was scared he was going to lose the dog, so he stayed in the relationship. “I didn’t want to lose my relationship and my dog so I re-evaluated my break up,” Klassen admits.

Tersigni tells the Star that he was blindsided by his partner and in a weak moment, he said what he could to try to avoid the inevitable. “I just didn’t want to lose everything: Adam, the apartment and the dog, at once. Coming home and seeing Hudson would remind me of Adam, and keep me happy,” said Tersigni.

Read the first instalment of this series: Jesse the Vegan, Burlington Bill and other misadventures of dating in your 60s

He was also thinking of what would be best for Hudson. “At my parents’ house, there’s always someone at home who could keep Hudson company, and he’d be free to roam a huge house, or go out in the big yard to play in the grass, as opposed to being cooped up inside a condo when Klassen is at work,” said Tersigni.

According to family lawyers Julie Tyas and Kerri Parslow of Parslow Tyas Law LLP, in the eyes of the law, dogs are considered property and there’s no such thing as the “best interest of the dog.” “When it comes to custody and access, we talk about what is in a child’s best interest, but since dogs are considered property there’s no legislation that contemplates treating animals in the same fashion,” said Tyas, who has written a paper on the subject.

Because of this, Parslow explains that a judge, if asked to decide how to deal with the dog upon a separation, would ask who purchased the dog, and would ask to see receipts of who purchased the animal — just like the shared furniture — since animals are considered property. “Things are starting to shift a bit with some cases taking a more holistic view. More consideration is being given to who pays for the animal’s food, the vet bills and the dog walking costs. In addition, judges are looking at who spends more time with the dog, and who takes care of most of the responsibilities of the dog,” said Parslow.

Both lawyers say that most of the time, people resolve this outside of court, due to the cost of litigating over pets, and because judges verbally discourage people from bringing these cases to court, as courts are backlogged already.

So what can you do to protect yourself when purchasing a pet with a partner? They suggest signing a cohabitation agreement or a marriage contract, and clearly setting out who will get the dog if there is a breakdown in the relationship.

They also suggest keeping receipts and a paper trail. “Try to be as involved with the dog as possible so if it came down to there being a dispute of who has historically taken care of the dog, you can have the vet or the dog walker confirm that you were more responsible for the dog. Have your visa on file at the vet’s office to show you take care of the dog, the grooming, and other expenses, in order to support your position,” said Parslow.

A couple months later, filled with resentment and craving a much needed break, Klassen booked a last minute trip to Mexico – his own Eat, Pray, Love, moment – leaving his partner alone to take care of Hudson for the week. Once he returned, he was surprised to find out his partner had a change of heart. “He said that he now understood how much I had done for the dog, and admitted that he couldn’t care for Hudson full time,” said Klassen. The two broke up, and Klassen ended up with Hudson in the end, but Tersigni has an open invitation to visit with Hudson when he wants.

“After some time passed, I began thinking rationally about it. I saw how much Adam really loves this dog and I know the dog helps Adam in a lot of different ways and helps support his life, and I couldn’t take it away from him,” said Tersigni.

“I just see them together and I know Adam gets so happy about this dog more than I do, so I stopped thinking about what the dog needs and thought about what Adam needs,” said Tersigni.

Since the split, Klassen has been spending time with Hudson playing in the private dog park at his condo building and has been bringing Hudson along with him when visiting friends. “It doesn’t matter if you’re in a condo or a mansion, it’s about the love that you give them and the love that they feel from you. I give him everything he needs, and I know he feels unconditional love,” said Klassen.

Luckily Klassen and Hudson got their happy ending, but the same can’t be said when you break up with someone who already had the dog when you got together. In this case, the ex will no doubt get to keep the dog.

I knew this when I grew apart from my boyfriend of two years, and I definitely overstayed my welcome in that relationship because I knew if I left him, I’d have to say goodbye to his Maltese – who had become like a son to me – too.

I had broken up with my boyfriend once before, but after the split, he’d FaceTime with me, or surprise visit me – dog in tow – and we wound up back together. This time around, however, I took a different approach, and cut him and the dog off cold turkey.

I had to accept the loss of my ex’s dog by using various coping strategies — like deleting his from the background of my phone —so as not to be constantly reminded of and triggered by what was. Slowly I’m starting to accept that he’ll no longer be a part of my life. The break up with my ex was an immediate weight off my shoulders, but when it came to the dog, coping hasn’t come easy.

Janna Comrie, psychotherapist and director of Comrie Counselling, said she hears about people staying in relationships because of a dog all the time. She suggests using the time immediately after a break up with a pet to refocus on yourself.

“You don’t realize how much time a dog takes – walking, grooming, feeding – so occupy your time. Develop an exercise routine, journaling. You want to develop routines at the time of day that you would normally be with the dog, so you’re not thinking about not being with the dog. She suggests spending time with or offering to walk friends dogs, or even looking to foster a pet, not to replace your ex’s dog, but to fill your time until you can move forward.”

When dealing with this issue with clients, she talks to them about what the dog is bringing to their life and they try to figure out if there are other ways they can get those things, for example: companionship, feeling like they can talk to someone who doesn’t judge, someone who’s happy to see them, forced exercise, social interactions with people at the dog park. She said that often they realize that there are other ways to get these things from different people and places in their life.

“Saying goodbye is hard. Whether it’s to a friend who’s moving away or leaving a pet. You focus on the good memories and give yourself time to be sad. Like you would be for a friend who leaves,” said Comrie.

“Once there is some space between you and your ex, things often settle down. A dog visit sometimes isn’t out if the question once things have settled. Sort of like an old friend flying home for a visit,” Comrie said.

Have you been in a dispute with a former partner over a pet? Share with us on social media using #starmodernlove

Anyone can read Conversations, but to contribute, you should be a registered Torstar account holder. If you do not yet have a Torstar account, you can create one now (it is free)

RegisterConversations are opinions of our readers and are subject to the

For many couples, their pet is like a member of the family. So if you’ve gone through a breakup and you’re wondering how you’re going to handle your shared pet, it’s important to find a solution that will work for everyone affected.

Navigating pet custody post-breakup can become more difficult when an emotional pull outweighs the more logical and practical reasons. Figuring out who cares for the pet can be a truly painful part of breaking up and really seal its finality.

If you decide to approach shared custody and split the time of the pet between you and your ex, it’s a good idea to come up with an informal pet custody agreement so you both know exactly who gets the pet, where and when. You also need to think about if you can be around each other when it comes to pick up/drop off times and how that will affect your own wellbeing, as well as your pet’s.

So, in those heated moments, do your best to consider what is best for your pet. You have to put your emotional attachment aside and really think what’s best for the wellbeing of your pet long-term, even if this is giving it up completely or rehoming if neither of you is able to take full responsibility.

First of all, it helps to begin with the basic facts. Who does the pet belong to? Did one of you bring the pet into the relationship or was it something you decided on together as a couple? Agreeing on who the pet originally belonged to may help you to know who it should stay with after the breakup.

Do you have multiple dogs or pets? If so, there are a few things to consider.

But unlike a house or a car or some other piece of property that can be sold or divided, the family dog is just that— family. So when the family creases to exist, where does that leave the dog?

If you know your dog is prone to sickness, anxiety, or destructive behavior during moves or other significant changes, consider leaving the dog with the person who is keeping the family home.

Is it best to leave your dog with one caregiver, or is it okay to split canine custody? Ultimately, the decision is up to you and your spouse, but here are some points that might help you decide who gets to keep the dog after divorce.

Does one of you own the dog? Did you or your ex-spouse bring the dog into the marriage? You may feel that regardless of who technically owns the precious pup that he or she is family now, but in the case of divorce, the dog must go with someone. Considering who owns the dogs or invested more money into dog care may help you decide who gets to keep him or her.

How to break up a dog fight – dangerous situations

You meet. You fall in love. You get a dog and are on your way to swanning off into the sunset as one, big happy family.

Besides the emotional fall out, and the divvying up of property, the reacclimation to doing things alone instead of as a couple, there comes the inevitable question: Who gets the dog?

You both feel you have a valid claim to your pawtner-in-crime. You both absolutely REQUIRE furry snuggles to help you through this emotional time. But that doesn’t mean what you want is always best for your pup.

Believe me, this dilemma is not an easy thing, as your doge is a legitimate member of your family that you have as strong (or actually, maybe stronger) bond with than most people. I know. This sticky situation was me with my ex about a year ago.

With that in mind, here are 5 Things to Keep in Mind when you decide who gets the pooch.

With my ex and I, and so we decided to split the pups up. He took our terrier, Tiberius, and I took our little dogie, Andromeda. Was this an easy decision to make? No, especially since not only did we love both, but they loved each other. But we both realized that neither of us on our own could logitiscally and, more importantly, financially support both pups.

So sadly, money plays a big part in who gets the pup. If you can’t take care of the basics for you dog, and the other person can, then they should probably get the dog (and vice versa). And in this, you have to be extremely honest with yourself, because your dog depends on you to take care of them. In the end, if you can’t pay the vet then well, you probably shouldn’t be the prime parent for your pup.

Do you work a 9 to 5 or do you work from home? Can you get a dog walker? Who has the place with the most space (if it’s a big dog)? Do you have a place where you can easily walk your pup? Who will best be able to maintain your pet’s routine, so they can make the transition as smoothly, and with less stress as possible?

Fortunately for me, I work in an office where pups are allowed, and my ex is in grad school, so we both have the time to take care of the pups we took. Basically, in the end you’ll have to see if your newly single life with sync up with taking care of the pooch. If you’re never home due to work or a swinging social schedule, and can’t find someone to take care of the pup, then maybe you won’t be the best pup parent for your dog. This goes hand in hand with the money, sadly. Both need to be taken into account.

Being ok with an ex is often a tall order, especially if the break-up was less than…pleasant. BUT, for the mental health of your pup, and sometimes, to keep doggy-visiting rights, it pays to try and have at least a civil relationship with your no-longer love. Plus, if you do, you two could end up working out an agreement to share any dog-related costs and care (a.k.a high vet bills, dog-sitting when you need it, etc).

In fact, I give full credit to our pooches for helping me and my ex maintain a fairly friendly relationship after we broke up. Although we definitely had our ups and downs in moving on, we both made an extra effort to a) be fair to each other when it came to the pups and b) not to use the dogs in any post-breakup emotional tug of war. That’s not fair to the dogs, and also, gets no one anywhere.

So even when it’s hard, try and bite your tongue. Your pup is worth it, and it will be better for you (and their) mental health. After all, in an emotionally fraught situations, it’s been documented that dogs become distressed too.

Whether you share custody of your puppy, have one person be the main caretaker, or trade off during holidays, once you and your ex figure out how you will handle the situation, write it down and stick to it. Any back and forth and “he said, she said” will ultimately hurt both you and your pooch. When it came to us, my ex and I basically agreed to regular puppy playdates so our two dogs would still get to see each other, plus use one another as the go-to dog-sitting person.

Additionally, try and work it out as quickly as possible, because no one wants the dog to be re-homed because you couldn’t figure the who, what, when, where and whys. That’s a situation that will cause trauma for you and definitely for your pup.

Sometimes sadly, it does come down to lawyers. If that’s the case, make sure you know the ins and outs of your state’s legislation when it comes to pets.

Many states still regard pets as “property,” so it comes down to who technically “owns” the dog: who holds the license, who “bought” or “adopted” the dog, whether there was a pre-nup that already addresses pet-parentage, etc etc. However, because dog custody situations are becoming extremely common now in the U.S. in courts, many judges are changing how they view the situations. Recently in New York, there was a landmark case when it came to the pup parentage of a doxie named Joey where the Judge handled the situation much like a child custody hearing, telling the New York Post he would be considering, “questions similar to those posed during child custody trials such as, ‘Who spent more time with Joey on a regular basis?”.

In short, it never hurts to talk to a lawyer. Know your rights when it comes to your pooch, so everyone can come to a satisfactory arrangement.

There times when we really need our dogs, and during a break-up is one of them. Don’t shoot yourself in the foot when it comes to your pooch. Take the time and use plenty of patience (as hard as that may be) to figure out what’s best for everyone involved. That way no one, especially your pup, becomes collateral damage in the emotional fallout. It’s worth it, I promise. Featured via