Write a letter to the dog you gave away
Take time to say goodbye to your dog. Allow yourself to grieve your loss and work through the guilt you feel about adopting your dog to a new home. Face those ugly feelings of shame and guilt – don’t push them down, or they will overwhelm you in the future. You need to process the pain of giving a dog away, or it will eat you alive.
One of the best tips on how to deal with rehoming a dog is to write him or her a letter. Tell your dog how much you love him or her, how sorry you are, and why you did it. Weep. Put your head on the paper and bawl like a little kid. Tell your dog exactly how you feel.
Read through the comments below – you’ll find several letters written by dog guardians who had to give their dogs away. You can write your letter here in the comments section, or in your own journal.
4 Tips for Coping With Rehoming Your Dog
While you’re reading through my tips on how to deal with the guilt and grief of rehoming a dog, hold on to the idea that your dog is fine – and maybe even happier than ever! Perhaps he’s playing with other dogs in the yard, chasing squirrels, or curled up in front of a warm fireplace. It’s you who needs to deal with the guilt and grief rehoming your beloved furry friend.
Are you still struggling to make a decision? One of my most popular articles about dogs is How to Decide if You Should Give Your Dog Away. I wrote it because I had to rehome a dog called Jazz – she was a 77 pound black Lab German Shepherd cross. Since then, I adopted two new dogs: Tiffy (the wee white one in the picture) and Georgie (a the black and white terrier you’ll meet later).
Option 3: Surrender At Shelter and Rescue
Shelters and rescues get quite a bad rap in some circles, but I can say from personal experience that I’ve never met anyone who cares for animals as much as animal shelter workers.
Before bringing your dog in, do your research on their average length-of-stay, resources available to dogs and adopters, and their live release rate.
During my time working for a shelter, I helped remove animals from overcrowded shelters on both ends of the spectrum.
From extreme no-kill shelters that essentially looked like a hoarding case to dramatically overworked shelters that euthanized nearly 80% of the animals that came through their doors, there are definitely shelters and rescues to avoid.
Despite the mix of shelter types, you should definitely be able to find at least a few reputable shelters or rescues near you to take your dog.
Look for breed-specific rescues, short average stays, high live release rates, and good resources. Be willing to drive to a better shelter, if you’re able.
Personally, I’d rather bring my dog to a shelter that euthanizes animals in extreme cases rather than keeping all animals alive in kennels. That’s why asking about average length-of-stay is so important!
At the same time, I would avoid bringing a dog to a shelter that euthanizes healthy animals due to time or space.
If you’re giving up your pet for physical or behavioral issues, ensure that the rescue or shelter has the resources to help.
Also, make sure that you never let cost stop you from surrendering a pet safely and responsibly. Many shelters don’t charge a fee at all for surrendering pets, and even ones that do will waive any charge if you express that you’re in financial distress.
We have an entire guide on how to recognize a reputable animal shelter – you should definitely check it out if you’re considering the shelter rehoming option.
So what does a good shelter look like?
Well, the shelter I worked for in Denver does not euthanize animals for time and space. They adopt or transfer out roughly 90% of all animals that come through their doors. They’ve got a full team of veterinary staff and trainers to help with all sorts of animals.
This option is best for: dogs that don’t have other options. This is also a great option for most dogs if you have a good network of rescues and shelters.
This option isn’t best for: dogs with significant behavior concerns – although some shelters and rescues are able to help with these. Also not great if you don’t have many reputable shelter or rescues nearby.
If you can’t find a good shelter or rescue, you may want to consider Rehome — a non-profit rescue organization that allows you to make a profile for your pet and get to know potential adopters. You can learn more about the program in our article about no-cost shelters.
Rehoming Your Dog? Coping With Guilt and Grief When You Have to Give Your Dog Away
I can’t always be the person I want to be. But I can try to be the person my dog needs me to be.
This thought hit me as I snuggled Layla the other night. My boyfriend and friends were out, but I’d chosen to remain at home to be with my dog. Layla was struggling with the side effects of some medication changes, and while I knew she would survive if I went out for the evening, I could also tell that it would be very difficult on her. She paced for awhile after Matt left, agitated with the stress of the day, but eventually settled to chew on a toy before sighing deeply and drifting off to sleep.
While not common, this scenario has happened a handful of times over the nine years of Layla’s life. Just as there are times when I need her to anchor me and help me discover the joy in small things, sometimes she also needs some extra help. And isn’t that what a relationship is all about?
Balancing our needs with the needs of those we love is never easy. It’s important to remember that dogs are their own selves, individual as each of us. They have their own likes and dislikes, their own little peculiarities. Their individuality is part of what draws us to them, even as their alien culture sometimes confuses us or sets us at ends. We’ll never know what it’s like to live in their world of scent, just as they’ll never understand the joy of a sunset over a lake. But we can still connect over our shared interests, and that’s a pretty biologically amazing thing.
A good number of the training challenges I encounter are due to an imbalance in the human-canine relationship. While some give and take is healthy, when one side pulls more than the other side can bear, problems come to light. Often this is a case where neither party is a good match for the other. Perhaps the human wants an agility dog who will love the excitement and competition of a trial, while the dog just wants to hike in the quiet suburbs. Or sometimes it’s the dog who’s pushing, needing more and more physical and mental exercise while the person just wanted a snuggly companion to relax with on the couch after work. Mismatches like this can learn to live together, but making a better choice of companions in the first place would have saved a lot of heartbreak and frustration on both parts.
But what if you’re already stuck in a mismatch? Not all relationships are meant to last, and that’s as true for people and dogs as it is for people and other people. It’s sad that people are often guilted into keeping a dog who is a truly awful match for them.
Understand that I’m not saying that dogs can be thrown away or changed out like shoes with each new season. However, if you’ve found yourself in a truly unbalanced match with your dog, I think that rehoming that dog can often be a very kind and responsible choice. If your dog will not be able to live happily or safely with you but can do so with someone else, one of the best things you can do for that dog is to help him or her find that perfect match. Living in an unbalanced relationship solely because you’ve been taught to believe that a dog is a lifetime commitment is at its best selfish, because you’re letting your fear of what others will think interfere with your dog’s right to live in the best home possible for him or her. At its worst, this sort of situation often resembles the most abusive of human relationships, with one party for all intents and purposes held hostage by the other’s needs. It’s not healthy, and it’s a very strong thing to recognize that and take steps to repair it… even if those steps lead to the rehoming of your dog.
If you’re in the difficult position of considering whether to rehome your dog, it’s important to take an honest look at the situation and to do your homework. First of all, honestly explore whether your dog is a safe and suitable candidate for rehoming. If your dog has a bite history or has significant behavioral issues, consult a qualified trainer to get their opinion on whether your dog should be rehomed. In some states, you can still be held liable for your dog’s behavior (including bites) even after rehoming him or her to a new owner with full disclosure of any history of aggression. Other behavioral issues than aggression also deserve a thorough evaluation. Separation anxiety or fear issues can be very difficult to live with and modify, and if you, the person who cares for your dog the most in the entire world, are unable or unwilling to put the effort into solving these issues, what makes you think that someone else who doesn’t yet have that bond will do so?
Finally, do your homework. There are lots of rehoming options out there, and it’s important to choose the one that will be the best for your dog. If you’re rehoming your dog privately, make sure to thoroughly check references and perhaps perform a home visit before giving your dog up to anyone. Be honest about your dog’s personality and history, and ask open-ended questions to get a better idea about the sort of home your dog will be living in.
Rehoming a dog is never easy, but if done responsibly it can often be the very kindest option when there’s just not a good match between dog and owner. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. However, if you do need to rehome your dog for any reason, please be honest to yourself and others about what happened. Make sure to do your homework in the future so that you can make a better match with your next dog.
Layla would have been a horrible match for most families. She’s simply not what people usually look for in a pet. She’s quick and smart, but also anxious and touch-sensitive. She doesn’t tolerate fools (human or canine) and isn’t afraid of making a point with her teeth. That said, when I adopted Layla I made the sort of match that most people dream about. Instead of being at odds, our personalities complement each other. We understand one another and work well together. I’m forever grateful to her previous owner for recognizing that their relationship was never going to work. By giving Layla up, she gave both Layla and myself an amazing gift. She gave us each other.